If death precedes a new life

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death, friends, friendships, life, love, new life, starting over, universe

If I would die between 10 and 11:20 tonight on my way to starting a new life, I would die a happy woman.

- I have nearly closed the loops of my friendships, and each will have an ever stronger support system because life is hard.

- Kash has learned to become more compassionate and that prayers always come with action.

- Aziel now wears shorts, w/o care what people will say about her legs.

- Prinzel will remember how she ferried a friend to survival and renewal.

- Despite losing her little boy, Lanie remains strong, loving and purehearted. Everyone must learn from her “growing up with grace.”

- Abegail will realize that life is short and start pursuing freedom.

- Khai will teach herself that being alone is totally fine and enjoyable sometimes.

- Helen will not read diaries anymore hahaha

- Katy will still be like Pooh.

- Rhea will be ever more comfortable with her mal-adjustments because she’s one of the wisest I know. She’ll love herself more and assert what she deserves.

- Anj will know that I treasure every moment she stood up for me.

- My family knows I die on my way back to them

- And Dennis will go on find the best woman for him, one who has true “soldier-wife skills.” He’ll also know that he would be the last man I loved.

Truly, the universe never runs out of support systems.

Gossip kills

Tags

blind spot, compassion, disability, gossip, life, paralysis, relationship, suffering

Gossip kills souls and spirits
Creativity and all possibilities
For trust and unity

It stops reform and revolution
Right where they start

Gossip doesn’t like excellence
It kills empathy and compassion

We all have something to bear, you know
We all have some kind of paralysis

“Even those who limp move forward.” — quoting someone

One day I was walking behind this man, and then I understood what Prinzel’s favorite quote meant:

“Without suffering, there is no compassion.”

 

To gossip is to deny our very suffering and blindness of the world.

To gossip is to deny our paralysis, blind spots, and to pretend we’re perfect.

Human passages

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conditions, experiences, growing up, human, life

Two of my longest friends are now dealing with probably the most difficult of human passages; while here I am staring at the stars, dealing with emptiness.

My fear of insanity

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facts, insanity, life, love, relationships, simple, truth, unfortunate events

I was smiling on my way home not because of joy, but because my series of unfortunate events have gone from depressing to comical.

I don’t know if I’m merely a victim of circumstances or something really wrong is going on inside my head. And I ought to know.

First, lose P22,000 and accept that people may think you stole it. Focus on getting things done, not knowing that relationships are compromised, and get talked behind your back. Get “bullied” and realize how unprofessional that is after 24 hours. Find out that you’re being investigated for mis-coordination for not knowing better ahead, without being asked of your side. Maybe it was a mis-communication. Story going around with 3 keywords: drunk, 1 am, conflict-affected area. Serve as bad example to your colleagues and be told “it doesn’t matter whether that’s true or not.” Be a pain in the ass for some simple logistical matter. All in 1 month. Good job, kara. 

There may be lapses in my memory, my ability to perceive reality, the root cause of my fear of insanity. We ought to find out the truth, don’t we? Simply ignoring injustice is in itself injustice.

If you don’t know truth, you don’t know love. Where’s the love y’all? 

________________

Note: Hope this doesn’t stem out to more, it may seem exaggerated, but please, i can only handle so much.

How to price yourself

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balance, change, inspiration, life, love, new year, photos, quotes, resolution, trial and error

In the coming of 2012, I vowed not to underprice myself. I’ve always been forward, straightforward, aggressive, resolute in getting what I want. To the point of leaving no self-preservation (well, not really).

I’ve always been the one who reaches out, who makes herself very transparent (because I don’t believe that humans have much guessing to do), I’m confrontational and I say things that people don’t expect to hear (at least that’s what Haze said). If I say it, I mean it (to the best of my consciousness). If I don’t, don’t assume.

But this year, I want to see investment. I want to feel that I’m worth risking for. I want to be offered crazy unconditional love.

On the other end, Haze has vowed not to overprice this year! “The first time I’m willing to love someone without guarantees of being loved back.” To let down her guard and to take a risk.

How funny can life get? I learned from Haze, she learned from me. The differences that once caused tension between us, in the end, have helped each find her balance. What’s the more noble way to live? Who can tell.

error is so part of it

Continue gliding through the spectrum. Eventually, we wish, you’ll find balance.

What’s your new year’s resolution, by the way? Don’t be stubborn, I’m sure you reflected on your life, unless you gave up on change!

Tags

aziel anne chua, bright future, career, future, life, progress

the future was bright

The better way of raising a child

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adult, berlin, child, germany, life, moving on, parenthood, parenting

I’ve recently come back from Cebu to spend some time with my parents, before finally living a parentless life. I’m not really alone and this is not the first time, but adult life is dawning on me. 

I’ve been on vacation-mode practically for several months now, pretending to be a freelancer (ooooops, employers might see this!). But seriously, life has been difficult since I quit Organika. Not because it’s too challenging, but because it’s empty. Life seemed to have meaning then.

girl in berlin (photos by: Trech Ras)

Trech is also now in Germany, taking pictures around town (which means I’m almost friendless and feeling left behind). We dreamed together that we would go to Europe, it’s amazing that it’s now true for her!

I remember our conversation about parenthood and self-esteem. She said, “There are two ways of raising a child. On one end is mine, and on the other end is yours.” One gets amazing confidence, feels that she deserves the best, that she’s special and loved by the universe. The other kid wonders why somebody would love her, choose her, and think that she has to work for everything she’d have.

What’s the better way of raising a child? One may be glowing with confidence, but she may be easily broken. One may be doubtful, but she may become very strong, very creative. What’s the better way of raising a child? They will both face challenges that will make them cry. Their limits, only they will know.

However we may be raised, or however we may have raised our children, I guess we just have to remember that this is our life story and no one can tell us if it’s going the wrong way. Just keep moving. 

Soul Money Balance

Tags

do what you love, freedom, job, life, passion, profits, soul, soul-searching, writing

I thought soul-searching was such a cool thing, like having midlife crisis at 20 (which a few people of my age claim). Until I realize that a lot of aspiring models and actresses are also corporate drop-outs. In short, we are all bums.

First off, not that I have anything against models. Of course, I’m guilty of bias, you know the stereotype that models are empty blondes. That’s just.. a bias.

After I had a realization that there is a path to self-hood and doing what you love (paid to exist, Illuminated Mind, Work is not a Job, and a whole lot of similar stuff), I kind of got paralyzed and scared to do what might end up wrong. Suddenly all jobs don’t make sense, misaligned, misfit… Even the most charitable institutions’ practices are not the most trustworthy.

Trech told me how she (mindlessly) goes back and forth to something she loves, and hates. In this process, she thinks that she is giving up her principles in fitting into their system.

And then I saw this article, where even the most mundane job makes sense. Does life-work integration come at a ripe time? Instead of being paralyzed, maybe I should get my ass moving, that whatever happens, there’s always something to learn.

The thing is, I kinda figured out what I wanna do. But marrying it with profits seems hard — technically and philosophically, in practice and in belief. I thought social entrepreneurship would have at least taught me to be comfortable about making money with doing good, but why is it damn hard? 

Whatever happens, I’ll walk the road.

Parroting, the most effective vehicle?

Tags

creating, inspiring, life, parroting, seth godin, sharing, teaching, writing

I just remembered why I put Seth Godin on the Inspirations page.

“To those who feel that they have no choice but to create, thank you.” | “Go make something happen.” 

It has been a while since I wrote from the darkest corners of my life. The level of detachment I had in the beginning is weak at the moment, but no matter what, I’ll write them down.

There’s a story I want to tell, a purpose I want to live. I didn’t quite know how to best reach the majority of men — art, stories, infographics, photos, teachings made simple, deep analysis, cool projects, self-branding? 

The only area at which I am the expert, authority.. is my Life, my Experience. It was a daunting realization, since I would have to lay bare in front of all, and bare all.

Who in the world is not thinking about his life? (Photo by: Helen Graido)

Be Yourself. Which self?

Tags

inspiration, life, personality, philosophy, photography, psycho, psychology, self, soul, split

I met my bestfriend from high school, Aby, when we were in elementary. But we didn’t become friends; she thought I was a bitch. Trech recounts that I first came up to her on the first day of college asking, “Is there someone you don’t like in the block?” I don’t know if that’s true or why I entrusted such spicy information to a stranger.

I’m talking about extreme impressions (that last until deliberately broken): bitch in elementary, mother Theresa in college, kim sam soon in high school, amazona (which means something like Xena) when I play basketball, Ms. social responsibility after college, shy and quiet (around people in general), wild party girl (in dark corners), the source of all green jokes (non-innocent from the beginning), unholy trash (just guessing my christian friends), obedient daughter, indifferent sister, typical nerd…

fragments of a self