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i wanna be free

i wanna be free

 

I was surprised with Oppa Michael‘s message “bold Kara.” He said  that I just look so free (referring to this picture). Though I am writing to share essentially how to be free through authenticity, I, myself am not completely there yet. I had been into some kind of mild depression. At first I realized that it was because of my sick body. When it passed, it was because of something else.

 

 

Finally I am interested in getting a job again. Upon looking at the qualifications, I wanted to puke. I felt incompetent, inadequate. Then my life seemed stuck.

The world seems to accept only the perfect — personable, confident, organized, enthusiastic… All the requirements make me wanna be somebody else and make up awesome titles and stories why my resume is such and such. It’s like I have to convince them that I’m the perfect person described in those qualifications.

But Ms. Awesome has nothing to do with me. In all that I’ve done, fear is always there, Unconfident Kara is always sitting beside me. I feel fake. I’m scared that at the end, someone would tell me, “but it has all failed anyway.”

What I have learned in chasing men, when we tailor-fit ourselves to the requirements of others, we will never know ourselves and those who love us for who we truly are. 

 

When the world becomes confusing, I go back to the naked. Regardless of what the world is looking for, what does make me alive? I will do it. I might face rejections, but these will be the sweetest rejections if they lead me closer to knowing myself. I may not have a spot now, but one day I will find my destiny (destiny, which for Trech, is belongingness).

Just go naked

Photo of/from Kae Villar

I remember a story from Andrea about her Japanese friend. In Japan, she was the odd one out, she was the weirdo, she was just too happy for the Japanese. When she came to the Philippines, she found her home. The same is true about artists who haven’t found their audience yet.

 

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