We hallowed the Earth that day when you came sending my heart to a race. You came as a surprise, that being a surprise, I demanded. Still I was surprised, and was happy that there were surprises.
I met you for dinner, straight from the Earth Dance, and found you by the foot of the staircase, holding the four bags that contain all that belong to you. Like we had always imagined, I would go running, jumping onto you when we would finally meet. I did, but a little more cautiously. That feeling of seeing you again for the first time, like it still does sometimes, brought my knees to slow-motion. My friend said it was a good thing, to see the person you love as if seeing him for the first time. Foreign.
But in all foreign-ness, this thing of growing more foreign each day, hit us. It hit us quite too young, too early – it hits most old married couple right? Well most things about us came too early — like the courtship, sleeping together, thoughts of kids and forever, investments, minimizing nights out and alcohol intake to save, call conferences with the family; then feeling trapped and bored, rather too early still; and then the frustrations about the distance, we used to countdown the days, remember?; then too much alcohol, too many tears, too little time.. to console. Consolation, maybe that’s all that I wanted this whole time, and your recognition that all the tears are not completely baseless after all. Because to think that they’re baseless is a poison, a dead-end to understanding, and keeps us farther from meeting halfway.
The narrative of all the days and long weeks that led to this prison cell of mine (what does Rhea call it? Borderline personality disorder) was not meant to hold you to blame. I meant no “Sorry, I love you” will do the trick. I don’t need the old days back, I just need some strength to start again, and that’s where I can use some of your help. Because I don’t want to do it by myself, or through the help of friends, because when I free myself, without you, I will have to free myself not only from the prison cell, but also from you. And I don’t want to be free from you.