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This overwhelming gratitude has been going on for months now, and my prayer for tonight is for God to remind me all the things that I’m grateful for; especially when things get shaky. It’s like a matter of fact now that things won’t always go well, yet I feel a deep sense of security that no matter what happens, I will always be loved and I will always be grateful.

It’s not the kind of youthful highs that I felt before. Those were extreme, and fleeting. This one is simple, basic, restful, and comes from a kind of knowing.

Let me try to put it in a coherent story (this one is for those who’s up for some reading)…

The only way for you to understand what I mean, and for me to make sense of this far down the road is to start somewhere in the principles that guide my life, and yes, to be vulnerable.

For about 6 years now I’ve been struggling between accepting that I love this chill, mediocre ordinary (relatively new) life of mine, and facing the reality that I’ve got a half-lazy half-chicken shit ass that stops me from progressing (in career and finances to be specific). The in-between of doing and just being. The contrast of being great and of being at peace.

I remember this one night some 9 years ago, with my best friend and her boyfriend who smirked at my indecision or lack of aggression towards reaching a goal, because I thought that prayers will lead me there if it was for me.

Fast forward to my 29-year old self, practically a stay-at-home mother-to-be, married to a not-yet-matured guy who is as stay-at-home as I am except when he spends too much time at the gym. So you get the picture, don’t ask how we make ends meet.

My prayers toward the end of 2018 were basically all about being super duper thankful for having a wonderful wedding, an amazing set of parents, a patient and dedicated husband, for the baby in my tummy, and most importantly, a prayer for means (money) for the delivery (and minor prayers for the things he will need).

Not long after, I landed a job I didn’t even seek that doesn’t need me 1) to go out into traffic, 2) to work at night or weekends, 3) to be stressed, only challenged, and 4) to face politics. It’s basically everything I needed. Absolutely.

I don’t know how to end this without feeling sorry for your wasted time, but I just really wanted to remember that I am (was) grateful, prayers work, you have to know and stick to what you really really want in this life, and that God is good.