Do you feel small? Do you want to work on your feeling small?
Start working on your feeling BIG first.
And everything else shall follow.
I learned in early years that when asked, “What do you do?” one better talk not about his job (cashier, waitress, businessman, teacher, artist), but about what he lives to do.
I inspire. I empower. I create opportunities. I seek truths.
In my recent couple of years, I found myself with a simpler answer when somebody asked me, “What do you do?”
What am I doing? What have I been doing?
My fellow bloggers, please excuse this post that may not be in the language that you comprehend. I shall try to add a translation afterwards.
Isang panibagong kabanata sa notebook na nakasaksi ng lahat. Hindi ko akalaing nakasulat pala dito ang lahat ng naramdaman ko at ang lahat (halos) ng nangyari sa ating dalawa. Patuloy kong napapatunayan na handa naman pala talaga ako para sa ganitong paghihiwalay.
Kaya ngayong wala ka na (talaga), sinusubukan kong buksan muli ang aking sarili na tanawin ang mundo nang may kasama. Hindi, hindi katulad ng sabay nating pagtanaw. Hindi ko alam kung may makakapantay pa noon.
itong simpleng sabay-na-pagtanaw na nagtulak sa aking magsulat ng tungkol sa “Pursuit of Loneliness” sa Tagalog (Filipino). Walang papantay sa pag-intindi mo sa bawat tula, thesis, at bawat kaliit-liitang salita na sabihin ko man o hindi ay naiintindihan mo pa rin.
Pero ang piyesang ito ay hindi talaga tungkol sa’yo.
Ito ay tungkol, muli, sa pursuit of loneliness. Pasensya na kung mahaba ito kaysa sa inaasahan ko. Kung kumpara sa inaasahan mo, hindi ko alam kasi hindi ko naman alam ang inaasahan mo. At sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung anong ipupunto ko. Pero higit sa punto, siguro ay mas mahalaga ang madahang palitan natin ng mga salita, na sa tingin ko, kung aaminin natin ay nagkukulong sa ating kabaliwan at pagiging kakaiba sa loob ng isang ligtas na hangganan. Ang pagkukulong na ito ay hindi iyong nanggagapos ha, kundi ‘yong nakakapagpalaya (the safe borders of insanity).
Sana naiintindihan mo pa hanggang dito. Hindi ko rin kasi sigurado kung naiintindihan ko pa ang sinusulat ko, o baka naman imahinasyon ko lang ang lahat ng ito. At alam ko, tulad ng sabi mo, na hindi ka sigurado kung gusto mo nga ba akong/itong maintindihan. Walang problema. Hangga’t totoo ka ay magiliw akong makikipagpalitan ng mga salita kasama ka.
At tungkol saan na nga ba ulit ang “pursuit of loneliness?
Sabi mo tungkol ito sa batas ng kalikasan kung saan itinutulak tayo sa mga bagay na hindi naman para sa atin — ‘yong tinatawag mong mga bagay na dapat-wala pero nagmemeron. Na kung sa kalayaan ay kukunin mo, iiwan ka nito sa pag-iisa. Kakambal ng kalayaan ang pag-iisa. Sa madaling sabi, kung nais mong maging malaya, dapat handa kang mag-isa.
Gusto ko pa sanang dagdagan, pero sa tingin ko, kailangan muna natin ulit magpalitan ng mga salita 🙂
A friend understands episodes.
It’s like a deep open wound that periodically chugs liters of blood.
Like asthma that pulls your breath, gotta run for it.
It’s balloon with too much pressure.
It’s rape visiting the victim in dreams.
It’s a ghost nobody else senses.
It’s sudden blur, confusion and pain.
It’s voicelessness while you scream.
It’s release and containment, at once.
It’s wanting to run but having to stay.
It’s the better in you saying, “focus.”
A friend understands episodes, in its utmost urgency.
Four months out of the dark days, I feel like walking on an old, wooden bridge, careful with every step and aware that I could fall off and into the abyss again where there is only confusion and victim-mindedness. A kind of darkness that wraps like a bubble where the only source of hope is optimism and matter-of-fact knowledge that everything will pass, like anything else.
The Universe led me to this municipality, Liloan, with its tagline Live.Love.Liloan. Oh! I almost forgot that it birthed me here. I remember travelling to the countryside and breathing deep into my lungs when I see province-living. Now I’m convinced that I’ve been called here.
The past four months have been quiet and simple, with a lot of smiles to give, friends to make, unarmed with my big ideals. Last night I missed those big intelligent/culture/big-picture talks, but as soon as I read economic/political/progress discussions, I was a kermit retracting to its shell. Do you remember my post Living a Monk’s Life? I wanted such kind of detachment and never knew it was possible in the social world.
But tadah! What makes this downfall and restoration sweet is a new strength gained from knowing thy weaknesses and accepting thy human flaws. Maybe Fergie’s song is for me, “The love bug crawls right back up, bites me and I’m back.”
So I guess I’m just gonna cross them bridges and spooky trees. The Universe always covers my ass anyway. Trust. Live. Love. Liloan.
**I feel sorry that I get back to blogging at long intervals. Writing this piece felt like the first day of work especially with the new WordPress layout. How long has it been?
Gossip kills souls and spirits
Creativity and all possibilities
For trust and unity
It stops reform and revolution
Right where they start
Gossip doesn’t like excellence
It kills empathy and compassion
We all have something to bear, you know
We all have some kind of paralysis
One day I was walking behind this man, and then I understood what Prinzel’s favorite quote meant:
“Without suffering, there is no compassion.”
To gossip is to deny our very suffering and blindness of the world.
To gossip is to deny our paralysis, blind spots, and to pretend we’re perfect.
When I ask, “Beer or McDo?”
She would answer, “Depends on what you need: Beer or McDo?”
In Centrale, we get booze and entertainment. At Beer Belly, we take on brokenness.
In McDo, we assemble for trips or get ice cream and fries.
The mountains and rivers and wilderness, we cross.
To have someone to slide down the “mud” with, though it might not be all too conventional,
To break some sweat with, in public, where embarrassments are thrown behind,
To discover and appreciate the unknown with…
Is a great gift.
She’s not my bestfriend, there’s a lot of pressure in that.