It could mean as simple as moving.
Keep moving.. Keep moving on…
Gossip kills souls and spirits
Creativity and all possibilities
For trust and unity
It stops reform and revolution
Right where they start
Gossip doesn’t like excellence
It kills empathy and compassion
We all have something to bear, you know
We all have some kind of paralysis
One day I was walking behind this man, and then I understood what Prinzel’s favorite quote meant:
“Without suffering, there is no compassion.”
To gossip is to deny our very suffering and blindness of the world.
To gossip is to deny our paralysis, blind spots, and to pretend we’re perfect.
I’ve been avoiding wordpress for a while so as not to spread negative energy. From my previous posts, it’s been over 2 months now that I’ve been really low. Yes there are highs, that don’t last more than a few hours. At the point of wondering why I’m alive while nothing in my white room moves except for the clock, the electric fan, my eyeballs and my breathing, I thought of seeking treatment already. Okay, enough.
Well, writing is therapeutic. So what else works in making me feel momentarily okay .. That day when I accidentally met TM at McDo, where we used to meet up before taking off to the Enchanted Farm. French interns. The university where I and Trech last talked to a bunch of students (I miss public speaking). Alma mater and it’s usual accommodation and efficiency. I remember when I was broken there, I got fine, now I’m broken so maybe I’ll be fine again. That day when I admitted that I am not a victim of circumstances, and I enjoyed my choices, to the bit.
And since my “truths” change before I can put them in words, I’ll just say it’s fleeting – must not hold on to it.
Sitting through this, will never have to look back.
I’ve always believed that my acting as a bitch helps me filter out people who have no capacity to look beyond. Wearing skimpy clothes and acting like a slut who can be screwed anytime reveals more of others’ motivations, not to mention weaknesses that they do nothing about.
There are just a few points I’d like to highlight in this post (which I don’t normally do for the fear of confusing and boring you).
1. On Motivations. It’s a normal thing to find people looking at you, one yes to appreciate (which is totally fine); and second to ogle. Can someone who cannot even control his eye movement be trusted with his insatiable predatory thing? Again, it’s normal, expected, given. Yet I never knew that an in-your-face hurts twice as much.
2. On looking beyond. Last night I was having one of my deepest conversations with Prinzel, and experienced how foundational differences could really crack our heads while trying to understand what the other person says. In a long-running relationship, we don’t necessarily have to reach a compromise right then and there; we can continue to know and mold each other as we go on. Isn’t that what they call friendship?
3. On Relation-ality. So there are people who don’t look beyond and only see your boobs. For me, the biggest frustration is not having known someone given an enormous opportunity. All of a sudden, I am haunted again by the feeling that “I do not exist.” Despite my efforts at trying to engage and reveal myself (“because I know that I am a person of value and that I have something valuable to offer the world”), I still feel disconnected.
4. Nonetheless. I would continue to do what I do. In the same way that I’m thankful to Girl C for her call, I thank Prinzel for reassuring that I am not wasting my life (my time and all other investments in trying to help people grow, not because they’re ‘un-grown’, but because people ought to be happy). Apparently, she’s disturbed now and equally feeling disconnected; but I’m sure she has expanded.
5. On a Gentleman. Prinzel was still struggling with strong attraction (largely sexual) for a guy who “functionally” (as opposed to “technically”) has a girlfriend. A guy who gives in to flirtations. No matter how us girls blatantly say, “If you’re not serious just stay away from me. Because if you don’t, I’m gonna be drawn to you. If you don’t know me, don’t act as if you care. I’m freakin’ attracted to you, please refrain from seducing me,” they don’t seem to get the point. And that’s what we will call “taking advantage,” where accepting the implicit offer is more than convenient, practical and pleasurable. But there are still gentlemen out there who say NO. Basic respect, thank you. To the rest, thanks, but no thanks.
In the coming of 2012, I vowed not to underprice myself. I’ve always been forward, straightforward, aggressive, resolute in getting what I want. To the point of leaving no self-preservation (well, not really).
I’ve always been the one who reaches out, who makes herself very transparent (because I don’t believe that humans have much guessing to do), I’m confrontational and I say things that people don’t expect to hear (at least that’s what Haze said). If I say it, I mean it (to the best of my consciousness). If I don’t, don’t assume.
But this year, I want to see investment. I want to feel that I’m worth risking for. I want to be offered crazy unconditional love.
On the other end, Haze has vowed not to overprice this year! “The first time I’m willing to love someone without guarantees of being loved back.” To let down her guard and to take a risk.
How funny can life get? I learned from Haze, she learned from me. The differences that once caused tension between us, in the end, have helped each find her balance. What’s the more noble way to live? Who can tell.
Continue gliding through the spectrum. Eventually, we wish, you’ll find balance.
What’s your new year’s resolution, by the way? Don’t be stubborn, I’m sure you reflected on your life, unless you gave up on change! 😀
Have you ever wholesomely made friends with someone you like? You’ve got chemistry and this person simply gets you. He’s interesting and his self-revelations are an invitation to a whole other world.
But then, something gets in the way. Attraction. You wanna know this other person but every time you see him your body can’t help but shiver, your heart beats faster and then you bat your eyelashes nonstop. Never mind flashing your best smile and laughing the sweet child-like laugh of Serena van der Woodsen, as if you’re full of innocence and have never been hurt before. Or you can play “the interrogator” and probe deep into his fears and weaknesses, never running out of plans and counter-attacks like Blair Waldorf. Whoever you may be, you’re in for the catch. The sparks got its hold on you. What are sparks? Arousal.
I’m not one who champions the distinction between body-and-soul. But frustratingly, the flesh
sometimes oftentimes gets in the way; the souls are short of meeting each other in their purest unadulterated form. When in that moment of good conversation, you stop talking and just start kissing. And you know the nature of that kiss.
Has attraction ever gotten in your way?