How a movie ends says nothing of how you enjoyed the beginning, the middle, the climax, or every other part of it.
The ending need not change your happiness, gratefulness of everything else.
That I forgot my WordPress password is an indication that I (honestly, sincerely, persistently, unpretentiously) need to get back to writing. I’ve said it a million times thinking that announcing it here would make it easier.
The truth is, the longer that days pass without re-connecting to you, I get more disconnected from something important (that I could not name).
I hope you would still accept me here and let me connect again.
I miss you, wordpress, and all the peace and comfort I find here.
To survive and flourish, an individual must always be part of a community. But when she ceases to be an individual, she loses altogether the capacity to form and build a community.
The big question was whether to stay in the big boat of public service and social change (assuming I didnt have a huge heart break to deal with), and lose my individuality; or to get off and yet again find my calm — an ever difficult situation that people with passion (obsession/frustration) for a better world face from time to time (that was the same dilemma that lead to the creation of this blog — “This is your battle, and yours alone”).
Your individuality is your creativity, your freedom to make real your craft.
My symptom of losing individuality: I became the center of my own world.
Everything I did had become about survival and how to avoid more pain. It had nothing to do with my vision, with creativity, with finding a real problem and crafting a real solution.
I must admit, individuality still hasn’t taken center stage. But knowing where it is not opened up doors that may lead there.
I am now working in the call center industry, something I thought I would never do (no offense meant). But here I am, having fun, being challenged, and looking forward to potential growth.
We will see.
If I would die between 10 and 11:20 tonight on my way to starting a new life, I would die a happy woman.
– I have nearly closed the loops of my friendships, and each will have an ever stronger support system because life is hard.
– Kash has learned to become more compassionate and that prayers always come with action.
– Aziel now wears shorts, w/o care what people will say about her legs.
– Prinzel will remember how she ferried a friend to survival and renewal.
– Despite losing her little boy, Lanie remains strong, loving and purehearted. Everyone must learn from her “growing up with grace.”
– Abegail will realize that life is short and start pursuing freedom.
– Khai will teach herself that being alone is totally fine and enjoyable sometimes.
– Helen will not read diaries anymore hahaha
– Katy will still be like Pooh.
– Rhea will be ever more comfortable with her mal-adjustments because she’s one of the wisest I know. She’ll love herself more and assert what she deserves.
– Anj will know that I treasure every moment she stood up for me.
– My family knows I die on my way back to them 🙂
– And Dennis will go on find the best woman for him, one who has true “soldier-wife skills.” He’ll also know that he would be the last man I loved.
Truly, the universe never runs out of support systems.
When she was 18, Zee ended her 4-year relationship because M couldn’t make time for her – he was busy working and couldn’t decline drinking sessions with his friends. For four months, he kept saying he’ll make it up to her. Until Zee got tired.
Kay has given pseudo-boyfriend Jay time to think things thru. He didn’t want to be unfair, making Kay wait and understand that he’s a busy man. He thought being busy was enough reason to end everything and come clean and fair.
AJ used to not have time for Bee for playing video games. It was okay with her, they were little after all and he deserved time to enjoy with his friends. Then AJ got a job, Bee was waiting for hers. AJ didn’t have time then Bee committed a terrible mistake. She was forgiven as it was not that terrible. Then they both became busy. AJ didn’t have time for Bee, yet he had time for Ox, a new girl — a terrible mistake that broke them forever.
“I’m busy” is okay until it becomes the very reason and a convenient excuse for disconnection and growing apart.
All we want is quality conversation, which doesn’t even have to be intelligent all the time.
We don’t even need 180 minutes. We just need 10 minutes of full attention, 10 full minutes for reconnection.
The President went to Maguindanao and thousands of armed men were deployed to secure him. The area is a sanctuary of armed men – good, bad, rebels, politicos, clans, ordinary men…
So I received a phone call from Den, right after the President left, right after the signal jammer was off. He was there, about one hour away, and would leave in about one and a half.
And so I didn’t take my lunch, took a bus, a jeep, a tricycle ride to where he was. Commuting around Maguindanao and Cotabato was exhilarating.
Then there we were, it was like magic. It was so dreamy to be in some foreign place with the person you so long to see.
The more or less 20 minutes that I spent there was awkward – he would introduce me to his seniors; we would talk on the bleachers while his troop was working; so he promptly kicked me out. No protest on my side.
After an hour, I received “good news.”
Great! It was then even more dreamy – commuting together around Cotabato, looking for a place to stay, and dreading once more the coming of the sun. Dawns have left a permanent rip upon my soul.
I love Den for all the patience and abstinence in my petty fights. Though he was clueless about my nights of breakdown, I accept that I have to let go of the obsession to know everything, to get a clear and logical explanation of everything, and a comprehensive profile of everyone.
An old prophecy told me how I am likely not to get married; if ever I do, it would not be harmonious, unless my spouse would be so giving, patient and understanding of my personality. I think that’s Den. I hope that’s Den. Otherwise, I might be doomed to loneliness. Meanwhile, I feel like a retard.
We started off imperfect. He used to be perfect for me. But we still have a long way to go, let’s see.
Aby (the closest friend to my strong self) congratulated me for I am now human. Never did she think I would be one to check on my lover’s phone, to cry at nights, to go gaga. But here I am willing to change my ways, my language, my self-entitlement…
From when we were still starting up until now, when we have just missed our 7th month (again) people have been asking, “Are you still together?”
I have a feeling that somehow they are just waiting for the breakup. Yet even Den told me, “You’re just waiting for me to make a mistake.”
How can I not accept that it’s ok to relax because he won’t do anything that will hurt me?
“That’s the farthest you can go? While I can die for you.”
Why am I still not buying that? I’ve been meaning to write about trust, but I can never pin it down.