Feeling alone, like everyone

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acting, alone, blogging, city, depression, emotion, photo, photography, sad, secret, urban

When I ride the train, I wonder why and how everyone can feel alone amidst a sea of people. To my surprise, I am not spared from this feeling of disconnection and isolation. Despite the absence of raw emotion, I get depressed every other day (literally!). I feel worthless, useless…

I recently attended an acting workshop. When the director told us to get angry and hate someone, I can’t welcome the emotion into my system. I can’t separate myself from the practice of “not reacting to hatred and anger” (detaching from the detached haha) A huge part of me thinks that surrendering to emotion is weakness and immaturity. I know when I’m depressed and I feel it in my bones; but people don’t see it, without any attempt to conceal it.

I recently found out that my friend keeps secret blogs. Upon showing me one, it was so “not her.” It was her only channel of sadness (and everything on that side of the spectrum). I wonder why it has to be a secret. But I know that me and my friend are not among few.

How many of us feel alone, stay alone, in the middle of everyone? 

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Step out of the shadow

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creativity, find, personal development, photography, photos, self, shadow, yourself

“Whatever it is, just explore to have your own set of opinions (values, beliefs). Because apparently, you don’t have one.”
Kash: “Ouch. But so true.”

Kashmir Engada: Playing Her Own Music, Making Her Own Album

The shadow is not so much our own. But of somebody else. I remember Hazel ask once, “What’s my template?” She was working on stepping out of it.

Hazel's edits

Who casts his/her shadow upon you? Please experiment.

Be Yourself. Which self?

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inspiration, life, personality, philosophy, photography, psycho, psychology, self, soul, split

I met my bestfriend from high school, Aby, when we were in elementary. But we didn’t become friends; she thought I was a bitch. Trech recounts that I first came up to her on the first day of college asking, “Is there someone you don’t like in the block?” I don’t know if that’s true or why I entrusted such spicy information to a stranger.

I’m talking about extreme impressions (that last until deliberately broken): bitch in elementary, mother Theresa in college, kim sam soon in high school, amazona (which means something like Xena) when I play basketball, Ms. social responsibility after college, shy and quiet (around people in general), wild party girl (in dark corners), the source of all green jokes (non-innocent from the beginning), unholy trash (just guessing my christian friends), obedient daughter, indifferent sister, typical nerd…

fragments of a self

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friend, people, photography, photos

because growth is just around the corner

How not to regret

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fear, friends, inspiration, life, philosophy, photography, politics, regret

How not to regret

When I was 18, I ran for the chairmanship of SK (a youth government for the smallest unit of society). I didn’t have money, machinery and all the M’s of politics. I just knew that I wanted to run. Classmates from elementary and high school (though I hadn’t seen most of them for years) joined me in going from house to house, giving away flyers, carrying huge tarpaulins with my face on… all embarrassing things! We were kids trying to do all the best we can. I was even happier when Rachael was there not merely because we’re friends, but because she believed that I can do something.  Still, it was a sure loss. 

But I knew that I would hate my young self in the future had I not done it. I guess this future-orientation has allowed me to live in the present, to understand that whatever was present would eventually pass. I only wanted to reminisce a movie-like life story.

Always make the strengthening decision. This may not be the decision for the leap in your career, relationship, nor your academic progress. But training yourself to act as you believe decreases the power of fear over you.

Here‘s what Dan Pink has to say.

Are you missing something?

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life, live, memories, misery, missing, photography, present, story

Maybe you’re missing your whole life. I once thought of what real missing is about. It’s actually feeling the presence of someone despite the apparent absence. Like when mom was away, it was just like she was here. When I left Taiwan, it was just like my beloved was always here, walking with me on streets and malls, up the escalator, in my room… But life was moving on, I wasn’t stuck nor was I miserable that I couldn’t be with him (yes true that every moment was painful, yet beautiful).

The mundane life

And then I see people say, “I miss college!!! I miss school!!! I wanna go back!!!” Or say, “I can’t wait to go! I’m super looking forward to this and that! I can’t wait to get out of this school, this hell, this everything.”

It’s a cycle — being in high school looking forward to college; being in college looking back at how fun high school is and looking forward to work where there’s more freedom; working and missing the awesome student life… we might be missing everything.

So what can you do now that you’re “missing” someone or something? How can you live in the present?

I don’t have a step-by-step guide here. Like google tourist spots, meet new friends, hang out in places where you might find someone interesting, take photos, study something, do what you love on the side, exercise, join a group, learn a skill…

Live between the lines

I guess it’s simpler. Make memories, create a story. A story that you would love to tell over and over again. A story completely encoded with your feelings, sensations, and thoughts.

The butterflies in your stomach when someone stares straight to your eyes, the feeling of meeting new people the first time and feeling totally lost, the feeling of actually being lost in a big city whose language you can’t speak, the touch of pollution on your face, the feeling of sitting on your office chair, watching your boss, watching the orange sky, the feeling of studying until 3 am, the smell of books, the chill or dryness of the air.. Encode everything to memory. Credit everything to your story.

How to be free, intermediate level

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creativity, freedom, laws, life, photo, photography, school, structures

Trech’s creativity mantra is “Follow the Rules. Then Break Them.” This is the only way you can get around laws and get away with your (mis)adventures. This is also mindful innovation – building on things that are already at hand. Creators who don’t look at what’s working well, fail. Look into the rules. Then break them. 

To have order, humans created laws. Then created a profession called “lawyering” to swing around the loops. That’s how bored we are. We make things, to move around them.

getting around the maze

In high school, when I was reprimanded for having 3 pairs of earrings, playing cards during break, and not following CAT rules, I simply asked for rule books and policies. I found confidence in being protected by the very laws that might have otherwise constrained me, simply by being smart and snob about it.

I know you, I’m superior to you. This can be a source of temporary peace.

A lot of people develop really good skills at lying ; others surround themselves with brands to appear intimidating (power clothes?); some get smart and strong friends to defend and cover for them; a few utilize family names and connections; a few more rely on good looks and sex appeal; some resort to bribery (from as obvious as money to as trivial as good grades); some master the art of manipulation; and some develop a lawyer mind.

Looking at a bigger picture, the structure we get around with is just one among many. Why would you even want to be in any of those?

No problem can be solved by the same consciousness that created it. – Einstein

If we’re really serious about our lives, happiness and world peace, perhaps there’s a more meaningful way to live. The people who inspire us about “changing the world” did not subtly consent to their status quo. Don’t worry, we won’t go into How to Change the World! lol

Intermediate freedom is getting around the structures that try to dominate and rule your life. 

Check out How to be free, for beginners 

Letter to a young boy

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art, life, love, love story, photography, photos, writing, youth

Letter to a young boy

This is a sample letter of detachment. 

How to be free, for beginners

Tags

existence, freedom, god, liberation, life, photography, photos, religion, school

I stopped going to church when Jollibee stopped motivating me. Recently, I decided to do away with the sign-of-the-cross (which I previously consciously embraced). The trigger was how supposed Christians reacted to Mideo Cruz, ’nuff said. I realized that removing all symbols, routines, and images doesn’t really bring me farther away from god.

When I stopped going to church, it was merely because it didn’t make sense to me. I did not rebel whatsoever, I just came to the conclusion that I cannot know whether god existed.

So how can you free yourself? We are born into the world with a perfect belief system — family values, society, religion, school, etc. Essentially, we are born bonded, tied and constrained to these structures.  You are born unconscious. You start becoming alive when you question every little part of this finished/polished world, where there is almost no space for exploration and discovery.

save yourself from nonsense

Wearing complete uniform at school didn’t make sense to me. Not being allowed to have 3 pairs of earrings did not make sense to me. Not being allowed to dye my hair did not make sense to me. Not being allowed to play cards along corridors did not make sense to me. Why I have to wear my uniform exactly two inches below the knee did not make sense to me. The rules of the CAT (citizen army training) did not make sense to me. Why I have to memorize “prayers” did not make sense to me. Why I can’t eat in class did not make sense to me. Why I cannot cheat did not make sense to me. Hating gays and condemning prostitutes did not make sense to me. Why my friends have to go home before night falls did not make sense to me.

The first step is investigating which is real and which isn’t, which makes sense and which is BS. 

Being aware of what structures are trying to dominate and rule your life is a precious first step towards your own liberation.

Is it your mom bombarding you with text messages? Is it your principal who says you can’t wear striped socks? Is it your 6 pm curfew? Is it your english teacher who says you can’t write in your own style? Is it your neighbor who plays loud music? Or your friend who always drags you along? Is it your boss who keeps you in the shadows? Or your credit card company? Or your mayor who would not effect change? Do nothing, yet. Just be aware.  

My bestfriend is my biggest insecurity

Tags

art, inspiration, life, photography, travel

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I know how every girl tandem wants to be Blair & Serena. But my throat went dry when Blair said, …

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