The trail of the dying’s ghost
Drying up the souls of youth
Molded to change a whole nation.
Now astray, seeking
A lost fire.
In the coming of 2012, I vowed not to underprice myself. I’ve always been forward, straightforward, aggressive, resolute in getting what I want. To the point of leaving no self-preservation (well, not really).
I’ve always been the one who reaches out, who makes herself very transparent (because I don’t believe that humans have much guessing to do), I’m confrontational and I say things that people don’t expect to hear (at least that’s what Haze said). If I say it, I mean it (to the best of my consciousness). If I don’t, don’t assume.
But this year, I want to see investment. I want to feel that I’m worth risking for. I want to be offered crazy unconditional love.
On the other end, Haze has vowed not to overprice this year! “The first time I’m willing to love someone without guarantees of being loved back.” To let down her guard and to take a risk.
How funny can life get? I learned from Haze, she learned from me. The differences that once caused tension between us, in the end, have helped each find her balance. What’s the more noble way to live? Who can tell.
Continue gliding through the spectrum. Eventually, we wish, you’ll find balance.
What’s your new year’s resolution, by the way? Don’t be stubborn, I’m sure you reflected on your life, unless you gave up on change! 😀
“Whatever it is, just explore to have your own set of opinions (values, beliefs). Because apparently, you don’t have one.”
Kash: “Ouch. But so true.”
The shadow is not so much our own. But of somebody else. I remember Hazel ask once, “What’s my template?” She was working on stepping out of it.
Who casts his/her shadow upon you? Please experiment.
I was surprised with Oppa Michael‘s message “bold Kara.” He said that I just look so free (referring to this picture). Though I am writing to share essentially how to be free through authenticity, I, myself am not completely there yet. I had been into some kind of mild depression. At first I realized that it was because of my sick body. When it passed, it was because of something else.
Finally I am interested in getting a job again. Upon looking at the qualifications, I wanted to puke. I felt incompetent, inadequate. Then my life seemed stuck.
The world seems to accept only the perfect — personable, confident, organized, enthusiastic… All the requirements make me wanna be somebody else and make up awesome titles and stories why my resume is such and such. It’s like I have to convince them that I’m the perfect person described in those qualifications.
But Ms. Awesome has nothing to do with me. In all that I’ve done, fear is always there, Unconfident Kara is always sitting beside me. I feel fake. I’m scared that at the end, someone would tell me, “but it has all failed anyway.”
What I have learned in chasing men, when we tailor-fit ourselves to the requirements of others, we will never know ourselves and those who love us for who we truly are.
When the world becomes confusing, I go back to the naked. Regardless of what the world is looking for, what does make me alive? I will do it. I might face rejections, but these will be the sweetest rejections if they lead me closer to knowing myself. I may not have a spot now, but one day I will find my destiny (destiny, which for Trech, is belongingness).
I remember a story from Andrea about her Japanese friend. In Japan, she was the odd one out, she was the weirdo, she was just too happy for the Japanese. When she came to the Philippines, she found her home. The same is true about artists who haven’t found their audience yet.
I stopped going to church when Jollibee stopped motivating me. Recently, I decided to do away with the sign-of-the-cross (which I previously consciously embraced). The trigger was how supposed Christians reacted to Mideo Cruz, ’nuff said. I realized that removing all symbols, routines, and images doesn’t really bring me farther away from god.
When I stopped going to church, it was merely because it didn’t make sense to me. I did not rebel whatsoever, I just came to the conclusion that I cannot know whether god existed.
So how can you free yourself? We are born into the world with a perfect belief system — family values, society, religion, school, etc. Essentially, we are born bonded, tied and constrained to these structures. You are born unconscious. You start becoming alive when you question every little part of this finished/polished world, where there is almost no space for exploration and discovery.
Wearing complete uniform at school didn’t make sense to me. Not being allowed to have 3 pairs of earrings did not make sense to me. Not being allowed to dye my hair did not make sense to me. Not being allowed to play cards along corridors did not make sense to me. Why I have to wear my uniform exactly two inches below the knee did not make sense to me. The rules of the CAT (citizen army training) did not make sense to me. Why I have to memorize “prayers” did not make sense to me. Why I can’t eat in class did not make sense to me. Why I cannot cheat did not make sense to me. Hating gays and condemning prostitutes did not make sense to me. Why my friends have to go home before night falls did not make sense to me.
The first step is investigating which is real and which isn’t, which makes sense and which is BS.
Being aware of what structures are trying to dominate and rule your life is a precious first step towards your own liberation.
Is it your mom bombarding you with text messages? Is it your principal who says you can’t wear striped socks? Is it your 6 pm curfew? Is it your english teacher who says you can’t write in your own style? Is it your neighbor who plays loud music? Or your friend who always drags you along? Is it your boss who keeps you in the shadows? Or your credit card company? Or your mayor who would not effect change? Do nothing, yet. Just be aware.
My hobby is dissecting – concepts (like love, attachment, art, fear, etc), minds, behavior, and my favorite, people. This “project humanity” that officially started 3 years ago was supposed to save the entire humanity. An ego-buster, a mental surgeon, a midwife that ferries people to awakedness, from darkness to light. I totally like seeing brains explode and eyes that look like seeing something for the first time (be it nice or gruesome), and people’s total surrender (like, “Ok, I have to work on my life”).
I just got my third “kara, don’t make me think.” First it was Andre, then Aby, then Kash.
It’s not really the process of mental surgery that I enjoy. It’s not the actual slicing and rummaging through minds, past, future, motivations, self-image… Yes, that’s orgasmic but the release is upon seeing their growth. The fulfillment is when they start going down into their own forest, when they discover themselves and start re-living.
Once they become alive, there’s not much I can do. They’re alive and are now capable of making their own movement, discovering their own truths. They even start to question and challenge me (that’s painful but very humbling).
Why do I even do it?
Because I like beautiful things and beauty usually lies beneath the attachments and brands that we surround ourselves with. I don’t want to have a relationship with those objects, I want to see the real person hiding underneath. This work is really dirty and bloody. Friends even feel it invasive, manipulative, cruel, dominating… I question my motivations. But I find only compassion at the very bottom. When they become free, they are their own master, there’s no benefit for me. Well yeah, strong liberated friends are there for me when I stumble and weaken. They continue to remind me who I am and what I want to spend my life doing. They are my artwork, my legacy, my footprints, my dent on the world. And every time I step back and look at my work, I am even more liberated.
Some people didn’t like it, they didn’t like me. So I let them go and focus on good investments whom I thank for letting me do it.
Having a business discipline, I was looking for ways on how to mass-produce this conscious-making (the first step in the process of human liberation). I realized that I can’t ever possibly do it for others. This life is our own battle. You really have to cut through yourself on your own. I can only help people get the tool sharpened, their minds.
When I got back from the meditation, I was enthusiastically sharing the should-be benefits and science of Vipassana. And then my ever pessimistic dad said, “We’re old and we can’t use that anymore. It’s just for you young people.”
So I told him, “Actually, it’s how to die nicely and peacefully. At least you’d die happy. And you should do it while you can still sit without moving.”
I wish that sparked a bit of interest 🙂
Just one message, I think that’s all we have to say. But it’s difficult to convey because of the noise coming from ourselves and from other people who have their own messages.
Authentic – that’s all I want to be and to see. Sometimes, I have the urges to talk about so many things (to later realize they’re not relevant). Sometimes I want to window-dress and even bother about SEO! Thanks to wordpress, they don’t allow you to do that.
Just one message. I think there’s really just one message, and we’ve all embarked to knowing-finding that.
Simplicity is the Ultimate Sophistication – da vinci
I once asked – how do we simplify things? Is it in taking things as they are? Could be. But it looks like most things are already not as they really are. I propose that we go through the complexity, the mazes and crack our heads. To find the core, simplicity of things — things and people that deeply matter to us.