Join me when you’re strong

Tags

future, love, love and timing, past, relationship, strong, timing, waiting

Can’t help but take a photo of this little boy sitting in front of me in the jeep, who had a nice mixture of tired-adult look in his eyes and the i-care-not comfy-ness of a kid.

Don’t rush darling, love is a matter of timing.

I grow strong when you are weak
So can you just be weak?
I’ll be gone before you know it.
So love me before I’m gone.
It could have been the best journeys
of our ironic lives
but the Universe was quick to say no,
and go
your separate ways.

A whole lifetime stretches ahead of us
The road is long before the next.
When you look back for me,
Don’t.
I may be the road you’re walking on,
the light that gives you life,
And the tomorrow that you promised yesterday.
If you’d want to look back for me,
Walk on,
So you may join me when you’re strong.

“I’m busy” is okay until…

Tags

break up, busy, connection, growimg apart, relationship

When she was 18, Zee ended her 4-year relationship because M couldn’t make time for her – he was busy working and couldn’t decline drinking sessions with his friends. For four months, he kept saying he’ll make it up to her. Until Zee got tired.

Kay has given pseudo-boyfriend Jay time to think things thru. He didn’t want to be unfair, making Kay wait and understand that he’s a busy man. He thought being busy was enough reason to end everything and come clean and fair.

AJ used to not have time for Bee for playing video games. It was okay with her, they were little after all and he deserved time to enjoy with his friends. Then AJ got a job, Bee was waiting for hers. AJ didn’t have time then Bee committed a terrible mistake. She was forgiven as it was not that terrible. Then they both became busy. AJ didn’t have time for Bee, yet he had time for Ox, a new girl — a terrible mistake that broke them forever.

“I’m busy” is okay until it becomes the very reason and a convenient excuse for disconnection and growing apart.

All we want is quality conversation, which doesn’t even have to be intelligent all the time.
We don’t even need 180 minutes. We just need 10 minutes of full attention, 10 full minutes for reconnection.

Gossip kills

Tags

blind spot, compassion, disability, gossip, life, paralysis, relationship, suffering

Gossip kills souls and spirits
Creativity and all possibilities
For trust and unity

It stops reform and revolution
Right where they start

Gossip doesn’t like excellence
It kills empathy and compassion

We all have something to bear, you know
We all have some kind of paralysis

“Even those who limp move forward.” — quoting someone

One day I was walking behind this man, and then I understood what Prinzel’s favorite quote meant:

“Without suffering, there is no compassion.”

 

To gossip is to deny our very suffering and blindness of the world.

To gossip is to deny our paralysis, blind spots, and to pretend we’re perfect.

Tears are never baseless

Tags

2013, distance, earth dance, earth dance manila, growing apart, ldr, long distance relationship, relationship, stages of love

We hallowed the Earth that day when you came sending my heart to a race. You came as a surprise, that being a surprise, I demanded. Still I was surprised, and was happy that there were surprises.

sanctifying the earth; bless us with a day

I met you for dinner, straight from the Earth Dance, and found you by the foot of the staircase, holding the four bags that contain all that belong to you. Like we had always imagined, I would go running, jumping onto you when we would finally meet. I did, but a little more cautiously. That feeling of seeing you again for the first time, like it still does sometimes, brought my knees to slow-motion. My friend said it was a good thing, to see the person you love as if seeing him for the first time. Foreign.

But in all foreign-ness, this thing of growing more foreign each day, hit us. It hit us quite too young, too early – it hits most old married couple right? Well most things about us came too early — like the courtship, sleeping together, thoughts of kids and forever, investments, minimizing nights out and alcohol intake to save, call conferences with the family; then feeling trapped and bored, rather too early still; and then the frustrations about the distance, we used to countdown the days, remember?; then too much alcohol, too many tears, too little time.. to console. Consolation, maybe that’s all that I wanted this whole time, and your recognition that all the tears are not completely baseless after all. Because to think that they’re baseless is a poison, a dead-end to understanding, and keeps us farther from meeting halfway.

The narrative of all the days and long weeks that led to this prison cell of mine (what does Rhea call it? Borderline personality disorder) was not meant to hold you to blame. I meant no “Sorry, I love you” will do the trick. I don’t need the old days back, I just need some strength to start again, and that’s where I can use some of your help. Because I don’t want to do it by myself, or through the help of friends, because when I free myself, without you, I will have to free myself not only from the prison cell, but also from you. And I don’t want to be free from you. 

the road ahead is freakin long and I’m freakin scared; let’s wear helmets and I’ll hold on tight; like Matt said, not all things are do or die

Damn, I was scared

Tags

break up, breakup, relationship, trust

From when we were still starting up until now, when we have just missed our 7th month (again) people have been asking, “Are you still together?”

I have a feeling that somehow they are just waiting for the breakup. Yet even Den told me, “You’re just waiting for me to make a mistake.”

How can I not accept that it’s ok to relax because he won’t do anything that will hurt me?

“That’s the farthest you can go? While I can die for you.”

Why am I still not buying that? I’ve been meaning to write about trust, but I can never pin it down.

I envy Abel

Tags

abel, envy, friendship, impersonal, personal, relationship, stranger, tao, taoism

As we were waiting for a delayed flight, Abel asked me and Jade if we have games on our laptops. He also asked if he could take a photo of me using “my” camera.

photo by Abel

The previous night I was telling Helen that I particularly requested to be reassigned out of San Carlos (besides reasons of schedule conflict), where I had left quite good relationships. Part of me wants to go back; yet part of me wants to crystallize the perfectness of the whole experience. “You sound traumatized.” “From where?” “From relating to people, in general.”

Whenever I get emotionally invested (in anything), I get scarred. Is that why we ought to be detached so our desires won’t get in the way? If there was anything I found really challenging in Tao, it was

Know the personal, but keep to the impersonal.

I envy Abel and how he could make friends along the way without the fear of falling for or missing a stranger, or getting hurt by her. I envy that he didn’t fear being rejected, abducted, ignored, to be uncomfortable, or to be taken advantage of, or for people to think he’s weird, invasive, annoying, intimidating.

I envy the child, Abel.

kid makes friends with strangers

How I’ll be fine on Valentine’s

Tags

clark subic pampanga, girl, hot air balloons, love, relationship, single, valentine's day

Hot air balloon festival in clark subic pampanga (Photo by: Khairon, taken with her samsung phone)

I’ll recall what a great singles’ weekend I just had, which they said was not possible should they be in relationships. I would never know because there hasn’t been someone who has attempted to control my life, since junior high. According to Khai, it was a nice time to rekindle with friends.

Photo taken by one of the girls

Next weekend, I’ll have another of what-we-call perks of singleship. My girl friends might bring their own dates, so I’ll say that dancing and hooking up with strangers is a lot more fun.

 – won’t compromise 

 

In between, I’ll probably keep believing that a better man will come.

 

Attraction that repels

Tags

arousal, attraction, connection, friendship, pure, purity, relationship, soul, sparks

Have you ever wholesomely made friends with someone you like? You’ve got chemistry and this person simply gets you. He’s interesting and his self-revelations are an invitation to a whole other world.

But then, something gets in the way. Attraction. You wanna know this other person but every time you see him your body can’t help but shiver, your heart beats faster and then you bat your eyelashes nonstop. Never mind flashing your best smile and laughing the sweet child-like laugh of Serena van der Woodsen, as if you’re full of innocence and have never been hurt before. Or you can play “the interrogator” and probe deep into his fears and weaknesses, never running out of plans and counter-attacks like Blair Waldorf. Whoever you may be, you’re in for the catch. The sparks got its hold on you. What are sparks? Arousal.

What have you? The borderline is magic.

I’m not one who champions the distinction between body-and-soul. But frustratingly, the flesh sometimes oftentimes gets in the way; the souls are short of meeting each other in their purest unadulterated form. When in that moment of good conversation, you stop talking and just start kissing. And you know the nature of that kiss.

Has attraction ever gotten in your way? 

Why you love

Tags

addiction, love, love poem, love story, poetry, reason, relationship, why, why you love

For a moment there, I wanted to love you.
Should I be glad for reminders not to?

Why do you decide to love someone?

– because of the ecstatic feeling you can’t control
– because of the kind of person that you become when with him
– because of the kind of person that he is
– because of the kind of person that he becomes when he’s with you
– because you can do something for him, to change him
– because of the sense of security, comfort, trust and belongingness
– because he has proven himself worthy of you
– because you know you can conquer him
– because of what a perfect couple you would be and all the world must drool
– because no one has ever known and treated you that way before
– because you can make great things possible together
– because nobody’s better than him
– because he alone accepts you for who you are
– because he is a means towards something else
– because of a calling
– because, why not?

Share it. Why do you decide to love someone? 

do you decide or are you a victim of love?

On the side:
Love as the Most Powerful Activism – the intimate and the social
The Science of Romance – an extensive explanation of love and chemicals (page 3 is awesome, something to do with Love as Temporary Relief/Addiction)
Who is Attractive – love and how you feel about yourself 

Holding back love

Tags

balance, career, cupid, holding back, love, relationship

Can love and holding back coexist? I was having a conversation with Kaye, both of us mastering the art of holding back, for the benefit of a focused career life. Aby told me that once you have a good career, you probably won’t have good love bugs. Andre said it’s always a trade-off.

I believe otherwise, I hope.

I came upon this through Mars: “My God, these folks don’t know how to love — that’s why they love so easily,” (Lawrence). I guess everyone has gone through a phase of giving everything he can. Up to the point of giving in and giving up what gets in the way of “the priority.”

Until one day, we realize that we can’t afford it all the time. Cupid strikes and let the poison crawl through our veins? Not anymore, at least not now. Self-love is learned (which according to Whitney Houston is the greatest love of all).

If love needs that much discernment and goodwill, why love quickly? Why can’t we master holding back, proper timing and right targeting? Or making the self prepared for that moment? Or should we simply be aware that this is not yet love, that we are practicing, learning and living (aka playing around)? Perhaps mastery is to those who understand balance.